This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as “conventionally attractive,” and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can’t and don’t want to top.
I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I’m tempted to swing the other way, except I don’t want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I’m also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?
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Hmm, I think you should forget about dating and focus on yourself. The dating market is really bad because 85% of people are not worth dating. The only way to get a good mate is to become the best version of yourself and it will come to you. I don’t know how the hormones are affecting you but for me it took the little sexual desire I had and made it nearly non-existent, which is nice for me because I dont feel nearly as lonely as I did with testosterone in my system. I mostly just talk to people for the social interaction at this point.
I also have two lovely kids so maybe some of that is out of my system.
It’s rough when you’re in a needy phase. It may be worth reducing the number of partners so you have some energy to create a real partnership which requires more effort. I like to break relationships into components. Usually acquaintance/platonic, romantic, and sexual. Each relationship can be any combination. Acquaintanceship is just general hanging out without really caring deeply about the other person. The platonic/friendship part replaces that and tends to be the hardest because it’s more about solid connection, really caring what happens to the other person, supporting them and being supported by them when things get difficult as well as enjoying the connection when things are good. This is something I’ve noticed most cis-men don’t have with each other due to societal toxic masculinity.
Romantic is then more about individual acts of romance, planning romantic dates, making out for long periods, that kind of thing. And it requires some level of physical and/or emotional attraction usually and is about fulfilling those kinds of needs over a medium term. It is best when the types of needs of both parties align, so you’re fulfilling theirs at the same time they’re fulfilling yours.
And sexual is obviously more fleeting and is better with physical attraction and matching needs, but mostly is just about fulfilling very immediate needs.
Each relationship has some combination of those things. But I find that I need at least one with strong platonic connection or I get lonely. That requires energy in both directions over the longterm to work, so it’s the most rare. These you really need to nurture as they are the most valuable IMHO, and easiest to lose if you take more than give. Sexual you can find easily in clubs or whatever and can be fleeting, and romantic takes a lot more to find, but tends to be easy and shorter lasting without the platonic.
So dating cis-men tends to lack the platonic part in my experience due to toxic societal norms. So although I’m pan, I also tend not to date cis-men.
I think about it like that too, which led to a poly situation. And I just don’t find many cis men that I’m interested in. They are all bi/pan.
I have a wife, who is a bottom we are “anchors” for each other. I would recommend finding an anchor, even if you both have to take turns using hands or toys… as you said you only really emotionally connect with feminine folks, maybe you can find another person that feels the same way, they are plentiful imo.
We have a BF who tops women and not me :( I do get his hands and not much else :) but he is a lovely person that like cuddles me a bunch and kisses, literally every other thing romantically and helps me garden and stuff.
I have a solo partner to satisfy mostly sexual needs and that’s all they really want too. That’s my FWB, but we are still pretty new to each other.
Toys exist, someone has to do the fun parts for the other person. I’m certain you can get exactly what you want if you put yourself out there and also work on yourself. Just keep grinding ;) and it’ll happen. Being near a city or going to events in a city really helps, I would suggest a slosh personally.
Love, deviantfemboi (31 nb all)
Yeah, I’m aggressively non-hierarchical in my relationships. I feel like hierarchy breeds resentment, so I don’t have relationships beyond acquaintanceships with people in hierarchical relationships, so anchors don’t generally work well in that. Not that it’s not possible in some senses, but it’s unlikely to manifest in a healthy way IMHO.
Makes it really difficult to find others who have similar views. Plus being AuDHD creates issues with my socializing style.
But it results in more emotionally driven support when you don’t have to prioritize one person when another is in desperate need of something I could otherwise easily offer if I hadn’t spent all of my spoons on an explicit primary or anchor partner. But that’s just what works best for me.
Ideally, yes, no one partner takes priority over another. Good luck finding even one as an early-stage late-transitioning transfem where I live. I’m ready to cut my heart out and set it on a plate for someone, but if I need more than one partner then chronology alone may create a hierarchy that’s out of my control, as happened very recently and was toxic because of the first guy I dated. One bad apple will fuck you up. Good on anyone for having any kind of relationship and surviving in this crazy world.
I hope my fatigued writing didn’t give the impression that I have 15 simultaneous partners! That would solve a lot of problems.
I get that you value platonic friendships. I suck at friends, better at sex. I don’t know what I’d cleverly compare my relationship maintenance to. Either shooting myself in the foot or setting myself on fire. It tears me up that I can’t have what I know I like - femboys and guys 10 years younger than me - without the understanding that it’s temporary bs - don’t get too close or you’ll get burned. I hate this self-knowledge that seems to only come with estrogen. I might be more approachable but I don’t have the energy to chase cute boys. And girls, well, if I don’t top I’m ousted from the relationship. Sorry for the rant. You aren’t my therapist. (I wish my therapist were trans though.)
I’m curious what kind of men you like (what few you do) assuming you like relationships on the physical side.
It’s not that a friendship is a separate thing, though. And many of my flings or shorter term romantic relationships end up in platonic-only relationships. But it’s the developing of those platonic connections during the other relationships that ends up being valuable later. Something as simple as having a good conversation as you cuddle in the aftermath can trigger a bond.
And topping is definitely a burden in some senses as it requires you to act first, but I usually see it more as pleasing the other person rather than taking pleasure from the other person. Equally, bottoming requires giving over control, but should include more than just receiving the actions of the top. There needs to be some amount of comfort in communicating while in the act so you both are getting your needs met. The bottom is responsible for creating that comfort and opening the communication by responding honestly to the acts of the top. And the top then adapting what they take.
My point being, as a switch myself, I rarely find good tops or bottoms, but with the right person it is actually a dynamic role. I find the best sex is with other switches where we take turns. Of course this requires a more “feminine” type of sex that estrogen made more easy for me to get into where sex is an opera, not a single scene. That’s where building the platonic connections can help a lot. It takes time to write not just an opera, but a good opera.
And yeah I agree. I have a therapist who is also non-binary and neurodivergent like me, and that helps a ton. I never got anything out of therapy until I understood these things existed in me and sought out treatment by those who understand it at least in part. These traits require much different kinds of therapy, IMHO.
And as for what types of men, I’d say, those who are good at communication of their needs as well as listening to mine. Or at least the lack of open communication about emotions and needs is the most common reason I don’t date cis-men.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. Transgirls really are the best. I like your kink-informed perspective, as that is how my sexuality works as well. It’s hard to find people who get it, so I tend to stick with whoever’s down regardless of their top or bottom roles, and I’m either forced to act like a man or constantly subjugated. (One would think a tf would have the decency to not call the other “daddy” but they were hot so I didn’t let it get to me.) It takes considerable effort for me to top bc my blood pressure is low, lingering heteronormative framings of my gender role, and a little trauma. Using my dick is the hard part (no pun intended). But yeah, under ideal circumstances I would love to have long switchy sex operas with a fellow tf. <3
When I had half a dozen partners, I’d see each one of them once every six months, so I was actually getting less contact than when I was doing serial monogamy.
Curiously, when my flatmate had a boyfriend, I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.
I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.
Sorry, I’m having trouble parsing that phrase. You had a busy schedule and that’s a red flag in relationships, or the roommate’s boyfriend’s reaction to your busy schedule…?
I was having a rush of encounters between my girlfriends. He was jealous, and my roommate decided that might be a red flag in their relationship. It was more that he didn’t know fully what he wanted and was a bit opportunistic.
I read the sidebar, and it appears comments from everyone are welcomed here as long as they’re supportive, so I hope you don’t mind a cis guy chiming in.
What I’ve said to friends and family of various persuasions is that there’s someone for everyone, but your preferences and attributes can greatly change the viable pool for you. If I understand your post correctly, what you’d prefer is a feminine or androgenous guy who wants to top. That’s a somewhat small pool. But on top of that, you say you’re too busy to care about anyone, so you’re asking for someone who wants a relationship with you, but not to expect much from you in return. I’m sure there are people who would be fine with that combination, but it’s a really small pool.
Maybe you’re in a phase where you should focus on yourself and whatever it is keeping you busy, and just go on occasional casual dates if/when someone catches your eye. When you’re in a place to care for another person, maybe you’ll have worked out what type rings all the bells.
I think you’re trying to help. I’ll just say that cis people make relationships with those of different genders asymmetrical. I don’t. I throw out the heteropatriarchal mindset along with any notion that a relationship is some kind of trade or whatever you’re implying by “in return.” I’m nobody’s girlfriend, I’m a doppelganger for my hypothetical partner and will take exactly what I give.
Yes, casual dates are good. I need lots more of those. And cuddles.
I think you read something into that post that wasn’t there. Relationships should be mutually beneficial.
Good luck finding your special someone/s
I do read into things a lot. Like how you ended your post with “someone/s” rather than “someone(s)” considering /s is internet code for sarcasm. Sorry, I’ve just dealt with a lot of hostility in the past so I’m on high alert for it.
