This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as “conventionally attractive,” and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can’t and don’t want to top.
I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I’m tempted to swing the other way, except I don’t want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I’m also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?
I read the sidebar, and it appears comments from everyone are welcomed here as long as they’re supportive, so I hope you don’t mind a cis guy chiming in.
What I’ve said to friends and family of various persuasions is that there’s someone for everyone, but your preferences and attributes can greatly change the viable pool for you. If I understand your post correctly, what you’d prefer is a feminine or androgenous guy who wants to top. That’s a somewhat small pool. But on top of that, you say you’re too busy to care about anyone, so you’re asking for someone who wants a relationship with you, but not to expect much from you in return. I’m sure there are people who would be fine with that combination, but it’s a really small pool.
Maybe you’re in a phase where you should focus on yourself and whatever it is keeping you busy, and just go on occasional casual dates if/when someone catches your eye. When you’re in a place to care for another person, maybe you’ll have worked out what type rings all the bells.
I think you’re trying to help. I’ll just say that cis people make relationships with those of different genders asymmetrical. I don’t. I throw out the heteropatriarchal mindset along with any notion that a relationship is some kind of trade or whatever you’re implying by “in return.” I’m nobody’s girlfriend, I’m a doppelganger for my hypothetical partner and will take exactly what I give.
Yes, casual dates are good. I need lots more of those. And cuddles.
I think you read something into that post that wasn’t there. Relationships should be mutually beneficial.
Good luck finding your special someone/s
I do read into things a lot. Like how you ended your post with “someone/s” rather than “someone(s)” considering /s is internet code for sarcasm. Sorry, I’ve just dealt with a lot of hostility in the past so I’m on high alert for it.