This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as “conventionally attractive,” and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can’t and don’t want to top.
I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I’m tempted to swing the other way, except I don’t want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I’m also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?
I hope my fatigued writing didn’t give the impression that I have 15 simultaneous partners! That would solve a lot of problems.
I get that you value platonic friendships. I suck at friends, better at sex. I don’t know what I’d cleverly compare my relationship maintenance to. Either shooting myself in the foot or setting myself on fire. It tears me up that I can’t have what I know I like - femboys and guys 10 years younger than me - without the understanding that it’s temporary bs - don’t get too close or you’ll get burned. I hate this self-knowledge that seems to only come with estrogen. I might be more approachable but I don’t have the energy to chase cute boys. And girls, well, if I don’t top I’m ousted from the relationship. Sorry for the rant. You aren’t my therapist. (I wish my therapist were trans though.)
I’m curious what kind of men you like (what few you do) assuming you like relationships on the physical side.
It’s not that a friendship is a separate thing, though. And many of my flings or shorter term romantic relationships end up in platonic-only relationships. But it’s the developing of those platonic connections during the other relationships that ends up being valuable later. Something as simple as having a good conversation as you cuddle in the aftermath can trigger a bond.
And topping is definitely a burden in some senses as it requires you to act first, but I usually see it more as pleasing the other person rather than taking pleasure from the other person. Equally, bottoming requires giving over control, but should include more than just receiving the actions of the top. There needs to be some amount of comfort in communicating while in the act so you both are getting your needs met. The bottom is responsible for creating that comfort and opening the communication by responding honestly to the acts of the top. And the top then adapting what they take.
My point being, as a switch myself, I rarely find good tops or bottoms, but with the right person it is actually a dynamic role. I find the best sex is with other switches where we take turns. Of course this requires a more “feminine” type of sex that estrogen made more easy for me to get into where sex is an opera, not a single scene. That’s where building the platonic connections can help a lot. It takes time to write not just an opera, but a good opera.
And yeah I agree. I have a therapist who is also non-binary and neurodivergent like me, and that helps a ton. I never got anything out of therapy until I understood these things existed in me and sought out treatment by those who understand it at least in part. These traits require much different kinds of therapy, IMHO.
And as for what types of men, I’d say, those who are good at communication of their needs as well as listening to mine. Or at least the lack of open communication about emotions and needs is the most common reason I don’t date cis-men.
When I had half a dozen partners, I’d see each one of them once every six months, so I was actually getting less contact than when I was doing serial monogamy.
Curiously, when my flatmate had a boyfriend, I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.
Sorry, I’m having trouble parsing that phrase. You had a busy schedule and that’s a red flag in relationships, or the roommate’s boyfriend’s reaction to your busy schedule…?