Yeah, I’m very into all of this, but if it’s a total surprise, that’s a bad sign for their communication skills and awareness of consent. I don’t know how other people do it, but it’s always seemed like a struggle between what I want and what I need in order to relax enough to enjoy what I want. There’s some trauma involved, which might be why I got so skittish when people were kink forward - but I also just need to know and trust someone pretty well in order to be able to give them that much control over me. I went on a date with someone who co-owned a company that did shibari instruction events, but I was so freaked out about it that I didn’t even address it and kept the conversation on very non-date topics (he’d been part of an FFM throuple with similarly aged kids from each of the women involved that dissolved amicably and their divorce settlement included an agreement for three party coparenting for both children together. Super interesting to talk about and a terrible way to flirt with someone).

My husband’s dating profile had one line mentioning that he was a rigger, and at the end of our first date, he asked if I knew what it meant, but otherwise didn’t want to talk much about it unless/until we actually entered a relationship. I had been triangulating with kink for a while by just dating people who happily dmed for ttrpgs with friends, because I figured they were at least comfortable being in control of and responsible for the rules and enjoyability of a limited social interaction, while still maintaining friendships with the people they’re engaging with, so my husband was a breath of fresh air (he’s also a spectacular dm, for the record, lol).