I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)
I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn’t arouse me.
I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren’t interested in or don’t require penetrative sex.
Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?
Could probably Google asexual dating and find a whole community
Are you open to using your hands to pleasure your partner and receive your own pleasure through kissing? If so, I really don’t think you’re gonna struggle. Especially if you’re open to using a toy on your partner. A lot of sex can be about taking turns where one partner receives and one gives and then they swap. A lot of that isn’t always necessarily as physically enjoyable for the giver, but it can feel good to make your partner feel good.
Your desires don’t seem so far out of the norm that you will have trouble finding a partner, but that may be partly based on being in a different relationship myself. My wife doesn’t want penetrative sex or any stimulation of any kind. They’re demisexual/asexual. When we were younger they wanted some, but now it’s basically nothing. It took some time to mentally accept that I wasn’t being a bad spouse by only receiving. (Like I was part of the statistic/meme about men not being able to get women to orgasm.) My spouse simply isn’t interested in it.
Sex is an extremely intimate thing. Any sexual partner you have is going to want different things. Your experience with them all will be unique. I really believe when you love someone you’ll find a way to make each other happy. Don’t worry about it too much.
I’ve actually had a few fantasies about using my fingers. I think for me the main thing is that I enjoy sex that is sensual and massage-like compared to something rough or vigorous (like thrusting tends to be). Fast pacing or forceful movements, no matter what the activity is, are turn-offs for me, but something deep and slow-paced that feels like you’re melting into one another is wonderful.
Maybe it isn’t wise for me to fully write off penetration, because I might implicitly be assuming that penetration can’t be slow and melty. And even if it isn’t my favorite thing, maybe I can enjoy the emotional atmosphere and feelings of closeness. So perhaps the most important thing is having that compatible slower-paced energy and being willing to try things rather than completely relying on my flawed human intuition.
I have a habit of casting the things that make me unique in a negative light and getting very doomer-y about them isolating me from everyone else (or at the very least being a major liability), rather than believing that my differences can be appreciated or compromises can be made. Maybe that’s the real issue here.
As far as penetrative sex - I strongly suggest not knocking it til you’ve tried it. Maybe you’ll try it and find you really like it. Maybe you’ll find you actually enjoy going hard and fast. Who knows? I didn’t know I would like choking girls until my first girlfriend asked me to do it.
Anyway, to answer your actual question - you can’t really put these sexual preferences on a dating profile or wear them on a t shirt. So the solution to your problem is to just go on lots of dates with lots of different people until you find someone who is sexually compatible with you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just a normal guy who likes getting and giving head more than he likes fucking. No prob. Even if you and a partner end up not being compatible, it’s hard for someone to be bitter with you when you just gave them good head.
Mate, you’re allowed to have slow gentle sex. It’s nice. If you’re treating every session like a crossfit workout you’re missing out on the intimacy and tenderness you mention desiring. Genitals are super sensitive and feel great when rubbed together. If that’s not your thing, you do you, but it feels a bit like you’re making a decision from a place of ignorance rather than experience. I’m middle age, low quality erections and vaginal dryness are themes in my sex life now. Penetrative sex isn’t the only way two people can have fun, with open safe communication of desires being at the top of the list.
You’re probably right about the ignorance thing. I’ve never done this before, so I just assume that a softer erection is unusable or wouldn’t be accepted at my age. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff because my family doesn’t want to talk about it and they expect me to figure everything out on my own. So I kinda just read and ask questions on the Internet. It sounds kinda pathetic, but it has helped me a lot.
It’s not pathetic, it’s a modern way of finding things out. I had to listen to Dr Love on late night ABC radio with call in questions from teens about sex. My parents were 100% useless. As far as the quality of your erection, if you’re like the majority of young men, once someone you’re being intimate with grabs your dick it’ll get plenty hard.
Well, the issue is that I have circulatory problems. Mine used to work better, but after my condition developed, I can only get around 60-80% there. I think part of the reason I want a non-penetrative relationship is because I don’t want to get attached to a function that I might not be able to perform, if not now, then in a few months or years if my circulation worsens further.
Viagra is a vasodialator so it may help with the circulation issues. But like I inferred, having a rock solid erection isn’t essential to enjoying intimacy with people. If you are getting intimate with someone, let them know you have a minor medical issue that you’ll need to work around. I have one, I mention it openly to partners and they’re happy that I’m comfortable enough to do so. I had a lot of bad sex thinking there was something wrong with me (tight foreskin) when I just needed to communicate better with my partners. My best tip would be to ask partners if they have any sex toys and to show you how they like to use them.
Alright, reading this, I really feel you’re okay. It’s not like I’ve taken a poll or have hard statistics, but this really is not that strange. Sex can certainly be intimidating and it’s easy to get self conscious because you’re making yourself extremely vulnerable and such, but you really aren’t describing anything that out of the ordinary, and I’d say it’s probably a LOT more ordinary than you think. A lot of pornography and pop culture depictions of sex making it seem rough, but it can also be sensual and massage like. Maybe even moreso. Pornography focuses on what’s appealing to watch, not what feels good. Pop culture is similar in that it isn’t really about the feeling. Even when people talk about sex as if it’s super rough it can also just be posturing. Sort of like dirty talk.
All in all, you’ve got nothing to worry about, but also don’t be afraid to ask. I definitely relate to the last paragraph. It’s super easy to see a perceived difference and think it’s a problem. Sex is as much about empathy as the physical actions.
That said, some of the other answers about trying to date asexual (and ace spectrum) people may be good if you’re nervous about all of this. They’re probably much more willing to talk about these things and understand what you mean. It’s worth restating that not all who are asexual are sex repulsed and/or want to avoid it entirely. Maybe even just to talk with, not necessarily date.
Fun fact, in the gay community, we call this a “side.” I’m a side :) It means you don’t top (give the dick) or bottom (take the dick) or vers (which is down for either). Nothing penetrative but everything else is fair game. And it’s not asexuality because you have and want sexual desires, you just don’t want the activity of penetration specifically.
Not sure if that term will help you in the straight community, but be aware that it’s totally normal and quite common actually.
That’s not unlike some forms of asexuality. Try dating in ace spaces. Many of them aren’t repulsed by sex, just by penetrative sex.
Since so much of dating outside of heterosexuality is discussing what exactly you’re okay with and looking for, it’s a pretty safe way to learn about yourself and build that relational vocabulary.
As an ace therapist, I agree with this answer OP. Like others have said, talking to a therapist would also be a good idea, but be sure to find a therapist who’s actually familiar with aspec stuff
TIL more about b-aced king TherapyGary
I’m glad you chimed in because this was my first instinct, but it didn’t seem responsible to say so when I have no experience there. It’s why I recommend speaking to a therapist.
Have you talked to a therapist? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong, nor would I have the expertise to. But it sounds like there might be more there than people on Lemmy are capable of helping with.
Just want to throw out that something doesn’t have to be wrong to benefit from therapy. Everyone can benefit from talking things through with an unbiased third party.
That’s what I meant. I’m saying I think therapy can help, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong. Nor would I be qualified to say if something was.
Therapy is for everyone. If you have something you’re struggling with, therapy can help.
People are probably giving good advice when saying people of knowledge (either therapists or lgbtqia associations) may be of more help than people on the fediverse. Other than that, my experience about this is that it needs communication, and that the sooner the better : i guess it’s not different from traditional dating, you would just talk about your needs in intimacy at the beginning of a relation and see if it’s okay for your partner or not.
The clitoris is much more exposed outside than it is inside the vagina. For most women penetration doesn’t feel that much compared external forms of stimulations.
Just look for someone that’s not judgmental and that you can talk to about sexcbefor doing it and explain. A ton of women complain that sex revolves too much around penetration for them. Odds are they won’t have any issue with you not being interested in it and they might even see this as a plus.
