I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)
I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn’t arouse me.
I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren’t interested in or don’t require penetrative sex.
Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?
I’ve actually had a few fantasies about using my fingers. I think for me the main thing is that I enjoy sex that is sensual and massage-like compared to something rough or vigorous (like thrusting tends to be). Fast pacing or forceful movements, no matter what the activity is, are turn-offs for me, but something deep and slow-paced that feels like you’re melting into one another is wonderful.
Maybe it isn’t wise for me to fully write off penetration, because I might implicitly be assuming that penetration can’t be slow and melty. And even if it isn’t my favorite thing, maybe I can enjoy the emotional atmosphere and feelings of closeness. So perhaps the most important thing is having that compatible slower-paced energy and being willing to try things rather than completely relying on my flawed human intuition.
I have a habit of casting the things that make me unique in a negative light and getting very doomer-y about them isolating me from everyone else (or at the very least being a major liability), rather than believing that my differences can be appreciated or compromises can be made. Maybe that’s the real issue here.
As far as penetrative sex - I strongly suggest not knocking it til you’ve tried it. Maybe you’ll try it and find you really like it. Maybe you’ll find you actually enjoy going hard and fast. Who knows? I didn’t know I would like choking girls until my first girlfriend asked me to do it.
Anyway, to answer your actual question - you can’t really put these sexual preferences on a dating profile or wear them on a t shirt. So the solution to your problem is to just go on lots of dates with lots of different people until you find someone who is sexually compatible with you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just a normal guy who likes getting and giving head more than he likes fucking. No prob. Even if you and a partner end up not being compatible, it’s hard for someone to be bitter with you when you just gave them good head.
Mate, you’re allowed to have slow gentle sex. It’s nice. If you’re treating every session like a crossfit workout you’re missing out on the intimacy and tenderness you mention desiring. Genitals are super sensitive and feel great when rubbed together. If that’s not your thing, you do you, but it feels a bit like you’re making a decision from a place of ignorance rather than experience. I’m middle age, low quality erections and vaginal dryness are themes in my sex life now. Penetrative sex isn’t the only way two people can have fun, with open safe communication of desires being at the top of the list.
You’re probably right about the ignorance thing. I’ve never done this before, so I just assume that a softer erection is unusable or wouldn’t be accepted at my age. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this stuff because my family doesn’t want to talk about it and they expect me to figure everything out on my own. So I kinda just read and ask questions on the Internet. It sounds kinda pathetic, but it has helped me a lot.
It’s not pathetic, it’s a modern way of finding things out. I had to listen to Dr Love on late night ABC radio with call in questions from teens about sex. My parents were 100% useless. As far as the quality of your erection, if you’re like the majority of young men, once someone you’re being intimate with grabs your dick it’ll get plenty hard.
Well, the issue is that I have circulatory problems. Mine used to work better, but after my condition developed, I can only get around 60-80% there. I think part of the reason I want a non-penetrative relationship is because I don’t want to get attached to a function that I might not be able to perform, if not now, then in a few months or years if my circulation worsens further.
Viagra is a vasodialator so it may help with the circulation issues. But like I inferred, having a rock solid erection isn’t essential to enjoying intimacy with people. If you are getting intimate with someone, let them know you have a minor medical issue that you’ll need to work around. I have one, I mention it openly to partners and they’re happy that I’m comfortable enough to do so. I had a lot of bad sex thinking there was something wrong with me (tight foreskin) when I just needed to communicate better with my partners. My best tip would be to ask partners if they have any sex toys and to show you how they like to use them.
Alright, reading this, I really feel you’re okay. It’s not like I’ve taken a poll or have hard statistics, but this really is not that strange. Sex can certainly be intimidating and it’s easy to get self conscious because you’re making yourself extremely vulnerable and such, but you really aren’t describing anything that out of the ordinary, and I’d say it’s probably a LOT more ordinary than you think. A lot of pornography and pop culture depictions of sex making it seem rough, but it can also be sensual and massage like. Maybe even moreso. Pornography focuses on what’s appealing to watch, not what feels good. Pop culture is similar in that it isn’t really about the feeling. Even when people talk about sex as if it’s super rough it can also just be posturing. Sort of like dirty talk.
All in all, you’ve got nothing to worry about, but also don’t be afraid to ask. I definitely relate to the last paragraph. It’s super easy to see a perceived difference and think it’s a problem. Sex is as much about empathy as the physical actions.
That said, some of the other answers about trying to date asexual (and ace spectrum) people may be good if you’re nervous about all of this. They’re probably much more willing to talk about these things and understand what you mean. It’s worth restating that not all who are asexual are sex repulsed and/or want to avoid it entirely. Maybe even just to talk with, not necessarily date.