I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
We’re all different, so you do you, but I was in what sounds like a similar situation not long ago so I’ll share my experience - my estranged parent was hospitalised in critical condition and expected to die, and I suddenly got bombarded with guilt trips by relatives who I’d also not heard from in years and years and who I’m certain don’t know how badly I was treated, who insisted I should get in touch before the end.
I didn’t.
My parent recovered and as far as I know is basically fine again, and I have zero regret, or intention to get in touch.
I won’t lie and say it was easy, or that I didn’t go through emotional hell those few weeks (E: because the twinge of doubt/guilt/hope that they will change never really fully goes away), but I’ve learned to trust my gut, and to never stop reminding myself that they never have, and never will, own up to how they treated me, let alone apologise - they’ve had plenty of opportunity to do both, and haven’t, so why the fuck do I, the child in the relationship, have to be the bigger person? They never were to me…
Whatever you do, it’ll be shit, because it’s a shit situation, so the best you can do to make a decision is prioritise your own well being and do your best to ignore the external judgment (that we often also internalise and need to then recognise as an external voice even though it’s in our own mind) of those who don’t know the relationship like you do. Trust yourself.
And either way - I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, it sucks.
Thanks :)