WITNESS ME

I love the cautious, super-sensitive pre-amble before the gently framed question! It’s almost as if this whole topic is an absolute tinder-box doused in aviation fuel.

I find it a little comical that even folk that are clearly trying to be as on-board as they can, to the extent that nothing they say could be remotely seen as critical of trans people, all must do their tippy-toe dance before they get to the point.

End of the day, we’re on an anonymous platform that has a higher percentage of trans folk than most. If we could get to a place where honest and respectful questions could be asked without having to tread in eggshells then that, to me, would be progress.

Ask yourself the same question, but replace trans with cis. Everyone is different,

If you want to be safe, just tell me I’m pretty. Mentioning that I’m trans is liable to backfire depending on how severe the dysphoria gloomies are in the moment. I don’t always want to be reminded that I’m trans.

cis women compliment (and get complimented on) their appearance all the time. trans women like that too. so yeah, without reference to them being trans, 100%.

but getting clocked sucks, so even if you’re supportive and an ally it’s not good to make a reference to them being trans unless they’ve told you. (though definitely don’t lie, even for flattery, since we’re insecure about false compliments in general.)

but if they tell you they’re trans, or if you find out through some way not connected to their appearance (e.g. they show an old ID)… then, and only then, compliments on their physical appearance are absolute catnip. I remember once checking into a motel and showing my old ID, and the person at the front desk said “sorry, he has to be here in person for me to accept his ID” - he thought I was my own sister lol. that was one of the greatest moments of euphoria in my entire life! he was worried he’d offended me once I explained I’d transitioned but I was like “nah bro, you can’t imagine how good that made me feel.”

I am not trans myself, but I have a trans daughter. In my experience trans people do not want to be treated any differently than you would treat anyone else. I would especially not make reference to their transition in public, ever. If they are a close friend or family member who discusses such things with you in private that might be a different story. But ultimately pointing out their differences or that you notice their differences or patronizing them in any way will only be felt negatively.

TL;DR, don’t say anything to a trans person you wouldn’t say to a CIS person. The kindest thing you can do is treat them like everyone else.

Trans woman here. If you’re close with me, and I bring up something about my transition, then acknowledging that and the “that’s awesome” part you’re talking about is good.

If you’re simply commenting on my clothes or something, unsolicited, then simply treat me as you would any other woman.

I’m privileged enough to pass as cis without really doing anything special so this doesn’t come up often, but it’d feel weird, uncomfortable, or condescending, and possibly make me feel unsafe coming from a stranger. Now, if I were out wearing trans pride colors or something like that, then acknowledging that in a positive way would be welcome and cool.

Also, as others have pointed out, transsexual is a rather dated term and is generally has negative connotations. The correct term is transgender.

TLDR: Treat us as you would any other person. If you like my outfit or something, and you’d say it to a cis person wearing it then that’s good. If you wouldn’t say it to a cis person, you probably shouldn’t say it to a trans person.

I have no basis to answer this other than questions like this usually have the answer. It depends on the person. People are different. Do women like to have their appearance complimented? Not all, not always.

You have good intentions, so that’s a good starting point. I think the trick is to not overthink it to much. You don’t have to overtly prove that you are safe and supportive. And as you already realized, you don’t need to call attention to the person being trans.

I play tabletop games at a local gaming store at least once a week and there are often a half dozen or more trans people there playing games. My friends and I just talk to them the same way we would talk to anybody else in the store. That doesn’t mean we’re all exactly the same. Some of us are bubbly and extroverted, some of us are more reserved and introverted. But the key thing is: we don’t change to some other “mode” of interaction when the person we’re talking to is trans.

So if you normally casually compliment people on their fashion choices, etc, and you can do it in a nonthreatening socially smooth way, sure, I think that’s fine. But if you are being “extra” just because the person is trans, and doing some kind of role play you normally wouldn’t…don’t do it.

I hope that helps.

I want people to be honest about whether I pass to them, since I am so bad at knowing, myself. If you actually like something I’m wearing in the same way you would if I were cis, it’s great to compliment on! Otherwise, make a subtle reference to the fact you realised I was trans in the conversation, I wouldn’t want you to make me think I pass if I don’t though, as that wouldn’t be helpful for interacting with someone less supportive.

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since it seems you are not very knowledgeable on trans people I’ll start off by thanking you for asking a genuine question. Your heart is in the right place and you are trying to learn and that’s much better than a LOT of people.

Second off, “transsexual” is kinda a term in history that was used very negatively and is seen as a slur used twords trans people. I would highly recommend editing it out for the word “transgender” instead. (unlike reddit, you can edit posts on Lemmy if you didn’t know)

Don’t worry about it too hard though, as long as you’re not intending to be rude I don’t interpret it that way. When I first came out there were so many negative words and awkward questions I had to teach my family about, it’s very normal to make mistakes when you’ve never been educated on a topic like this.

The thing about trans people is that they are people. So just like absolutely everyone ever its dependent upon the individual. They aren’t the fucking borg with some hive mind shit going on.

This is a good question, and unfortunately there’s not a consistently good answer. Partly because we’re diverse humans all experiencing our transitions and differently, and partly because it can be a touchy subject for some of us and a lot of us have had a lot of bad experiences around being noticed, which combined with not so great political environments can make a lot of us varying degrees of paranoid.

Some people (like myself) have no idea what to do with compliments period, so I wouldn’t know what to do with that kind of supportive compliment either. Others might love compliments, but are terrified of being clocked (someone else recognizing we’re trans when we’re trying not to be noticed as such) in public, either due to personal insecurity, or due to legitimate personal safety concerns. Others know they don’t pass as cis, but still don’t want it acknowledged. Others would appreciate the gesture. There’s just no simple “correct” way to go about it, you just kinda have to sus it out individually.

Most of the time, not saying anything you wouldn’t say more or less the same to a cis person is the safest bet, at least until you have any queue from the person in question that they’re open to recognition of their trans identity.

They like to “pass” and not be “clocked”.