my bf insinuates we break up or saying he can’t show affection for me, bringing up breakups, etc. he also seems kinda out of it a lot.

he’ll say he’s uncomfortable in the relationship (uncomfortable dating, not because of me, i don’t think) or wants to make sure he’ll be good for me but then says he doesn’t wanna talk about it or just brushes it off and says he’ll continue to date me and just deal with it because he likes me and without me, he’ll have no one.

  • latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    1·
    5 days ago

    I’m choosing to take everything you’ve described him doing and saying at face value.

    As such, this would indicate he has some deep-seated issues with self-confidence, or intimacy, or both - the types of issues I’ve listed are purely speculative, I have no concrete idea what his situation is. Either way, the relevant part is that he seems to have some work to do with himself.

    Have you two discussed therapy at all? Based on your description, couple’s therapy may be a tough sell, but if he isn’t already, he should consider going to therapy by himself, for his own sake. It sounds like he’s having a tough time dealing with the context of a relationship, which translates into a rollercoaster ride on your end, especially if he goes back and forth between wanting to stay (for whatever reason, although “because you’re there” is… well, it is how it is) and wanting to leave (again, for whatever reason).

    This push-pull will wear you down, especially if you genuinely care about him. I would recommend starting to consider the options you have at your disposal now, because you do still have full control over your side of the relationship. You can try to discuss things with him and frame everything away from a potential break-up (i.e. ‘neutrally’ broaching the subject of his wellbeing, of his state of mind, etc.), but at the end of the day, we can’t help other people by force.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, these types of situations are beyond exhausting…

    • jay (he/they)@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
      2·
      5 days ago

      thank you! this helps, we could try couples therapy but i can’t go with my family because they have an intense fear of me being SA’d so i can’t even be around amab people in their presence

        • jay (he/they)@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
          1·
          5 days ago

          they’re very conservative and transphobic too so they see me as a woman, and they think all amab people will do sexual things to afab people even IN PUBLIC

      • latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        1·
        5 days ago

        Oh, Jesus, that sounds very rough, too… I mean, I understand the worry, but it seems like their worry thoroughly shifted into controlling paranoia… Anyway, not judging your family, there are plenty of justifiable reasons for that fear, but it does sound… extreme…

        Anyway, I hope things’ll work out one way or another! And as rough as this may sound, a breakup would be far from the end of the world, however painful it may be in the moment. You would also have zero reasons to feel guilty about it, you’re his partner, not his therapist.