As a sort-of developer myself (mostly network automation tools and backend things), it’s not something I’d really share publicly. Not because of shame, or even worries of safety. Just because I don’t really share my code or projects with the public anymore. I haven’t worked on open source software in a long time. I wish I still could, but it’s not in the cards for me. Most of my “a bit idle” time has unfortunately gone into obsession over “perfecting” my transition. We’ll see if therapy helps there, but I honestly think it would just shift to life planning endeavors instead.

That said, maybe look at this with a different lens: while it would be good to band together and write our own things, software doesn’t have a gender. Find projects that help with things you believe are worth doing. Sometimes it’s tools to help the transgender community directly (https://github.com/cvyl/awesome-transgender could use some updating here!) and sometimes it’s just making the world a better place for humans to be kind and helpful to each other.

I get the desire for community, though. I’ve posted about this myself, but it’s very difficult to find people that “get it” who aren’t already trans or questioning. I’d love a circle of friends to relate with. The software world can be pretty socially closed off, sometimes!

Welcome to the fold, sister 🐧🧦⚧️

Hey, I know this feeling. Let it pass. Dwelling here leads to bad places that nobody should have to be in. You deserve love and peace, just as much as anyone else. Please don’t be a statistic! If you need help, reach out! DMs are fine here. Call the Trevor Project if you’re still feeling this way. It hurts me worse than dysphoria to see stories like yours. They’re valid feelings and they’re real, but they stem from external factors. Push them away and spend some time thinking about the you that you love 💖

;{ You don’t have to stop here. Pause, collect yourself, and keep telling your story!

One thing I wanted to mention but didn’t: I wrote this to show that it could be possible to be you and be in a loving relationship. They don’t all have to end just because of a change. My spouse and I still love each other as much as the day we met. I’m starting thereapy to work through my transition, and at some point I will bring them in for a couples session (or as many as we need!) to make sure we are both doing the things that are right for us. I’d love to remain in this marriage the rest of my life. I hope they do as well, but if there are needs I can no longer fulfill or the attraction isn’t there anymore, I’m willing to accept that. Life was never fair (I’d have been born with two X chromosomes if it was!) and I know that changes can come and that some can be worse than others. For now though, I have a trusted partner, best friend, and loving spouse to help me through it, all in the same person.

There’s a lot of great advice here already, so I’m not going to reitreate. Instead, I’m going to offer an anecdote:

My egg cracked 11 years ago. At the time, my spouse and I had been married for 5 years and together for 10. They meant the world to me and were the only thing driving me every day. I always said that my career was second; they were the smarter one (higher academic degree, more published papers, more detailed mathematical work) and so I could pick up anywhere and do whatever as long as they were doing what they wanted. I would then and would still, now, gladly take a bullet to keep them safe.

I put this out there to lay the foundation for my decision when I discovered, cognitively, that I was transfemme. My immediate and lasting reaction was to shove that in a box and bury it. I refused to harm our relationship or my spouse in ANY way, including but not limited to: socially, emotionally, economically, physically. I was thinking about the direct and indirect effects on them from knowing, and dealing with, me, my transition, or the way others would react to it with them or to them.

I missed a very important factor in all of this: me. Forgetting, just for a moment, how miserable it is to live through over a decade of dysphoria without help or even a verbal outlet, I harmed my spouse by being absent from life in general. I was always stuck inside my own head thinking about how life could be instead of how it was at the moment. After I came out, received a diagnosis and eventually began HRT, they told me they could tell I was actually with them again. I was there. Physically, sure, but also mentally! I was aware in full of the world and events around me and actively taking part in life again.

Did I do some damage? Yes. Some of it is yet to be realized, since I still fully pass in boymode and am sticking to that in public for quite some time. The difference is that the issues we face now and will face in the future are ones we’ll face together. I won’t face them alone inside my head and they won’t face them without me really being in the moment. We’re actually a couple again, everyday, and I wouldn’t give this up for anything.

I have one regret. I regret not doing this a decade ago.

Dandelion, have you ever considered writing professionally? You answer so many questions with thoughtful, insightful, and exquisite prose. A “transition experiences guide” or a memoir from you would make for a delightful read.

Also, I definitely needed to read this comment today. I spent the day boymoding and doing home renovation and it was unpleasantly dysphoric. I am not intending to be misogynistic, because there are plenty of women around me absolutely nailing the homeowner thing, but standing on a ladder getting caulk in my fingernails and forcing a hammer drill into a wall is not my idea of a good time.

This definitely happened to me a LOT when I was growing up. Oddly enough, right around the time of puberty. Which, now that I think about, explains a lot. Mine was usually right after dreams about being small. I ended up over 6 feet tall by middle school, so that’s either an expression of dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or both. I’m going with both.

You might still be able to use something like Planned Parenthood to get coverage outside of your parents’ insurance. That said, this is going to be a recurring issue that you’ll have to address at some point. Your primary care physician needs to know you’re taking HRT because your blood tests will be… surprising if they don’t. I don’t know that to tell you about being in Texas. That’s a tough one, and I had a conversation with my own management recently about never going to that state for any reason, even if it meant losing my job. I don’t mean to scare you, but you should consider a move if you can figure it out. The GDB isn’t so long a read, it’s just really well organized. I devoured it in a day, not including the references. Those were saved for a later review. There’s a ton more info out there if you need it! Everywhere from Lemmy communities, to Reddit subs, to several private websites tracking resources. I found this one particularly useful, even if some of it can be a little out of date: Transgender Map. I had lots of the same questions that you do now, though my situation is different since I’m “over the hill” in my 40s, but you could take a look at the replies to a post I made over a month ago askig similar questions: Advice on finding doctors Hang in there! There’s always an option. You just have to decide which is right for you.

Go read the entire Gender Dysphoria Bible to start. You may be able to start HRT sooner than you think, depending on where you are. There are programs that may help, or specialized clinics that offer cheaper care. A therapist, if you can afford it, is highly recommended!

If you can’t or don’t want to medically transition, that’s totally valid, too! You could socially transition. Choosing a new name can be super difficult (ask me how I know) and voice training is likewise difficult and a slow process, and neither of these require anything but you and your mind. Clothing helps with dysphoria, as well as makeup/hair/nails/jewelry or even just social groups and hobbies. Thrift stores are likely to have cheap options for beginners.

The other thing I would suggest is figuring out your support group. You do NOT have to do this alone. Whether it’s online communities like this one (<3 Blåhaj!) or real world friend groups or support groups, go find peers or allies.

Welcome to the sisterhood! I hope you find yourself soon :)

I am somehow immune to the stereotypical pickle and olive cravings, but I am devouring these almond-butter filled pretzel bites. I don’t even like hard pretzels. At least, I didn’t like them before! I also went and got my ears pierced this weekend. That felt right, somehow. I only got flat white gold studs, and my spouse says they look punk more than anything, but they somehow make my face feel smaller. I’ll take any win I can get.

I just want to say thank you for making this post. It felt pretty good to get my own feelings out in the open and validated by someone. Although painful, it’s also good to hear from others with similar experiences. None of us has to deal with this alone!

Are you me? I see quite a lot of parallels here. I am sorry you dealt with this, too. I haven’t started electrolysis yet (soon, hopefully) and a friend made a comment about my five o’clock shadow today. I was visibly upset to the point that my spouse was squeezing my hand. It wasn’t his fault since he doesn’t know yet, but it still stings.

I had a double whammy of “phantom pain” and it’s opposite of somehow also having parts that shouldn’t be there. It feels like the vagina that I should have been born with is aching to just be there and that the parts I do have are always just somehow in the way. They feel foreign, like a transplant that’s being rejected. The awful part is that the latter started when I was a very young child. I kept trying to “move it out of the way” and was always getting yelled at.

It took almost 30 years for me to fully grasp why these feelings were happening, and then I spent the next 10+ in an internal battle over whether to just give up on life or to keep going to keep my spouse happy. This essentially manifested as a kind of depression where I was withdrawn from everything that was happening around me. I just went through the daily motions with occasional small glimmers of the outside world, usually when something really good happened with my spouse around.

After starting GAHT, they straight up said to me “I’m glad to have you back! You’re actually here with me now”. Sometimes it’s almost a physical pain, and sometimes it’s a mental disconnect, and sometimes it would qualify as clinical depression. However, like everything else in this journey, we all go through the process differently. Your mileage may vary in transition, but it also likely varies on the way to starting, too.

If you haven’t read it yet, I strongly recommend reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible

Whirlwind of a week! Spent it with my in-laws. We ran a race this weekend, and I wore my pride socks in public for the first time. The person in front of me at the starting line was wearing a progress pride flag as a cape, and I said “thank you”. My sister-in-law clued in and was asking my spouse what was going on while they ran, so after I set a new PR I came out to her. “Ok, as long as you’re happy” was almost immediately followed by the gobsmacked " omg, you must be really upset with things right now". So I guess that’s a win. It was nice being in a public place where I didn’t constantly hear hateful gibberish and saw people openly being themselves (including employees; those butterfly earrings were gorgeous!) so a good trip in all. My spouse’s parents still don’t know, though. One week at a time!

On another note, nobody told me voice training was going to be this bad. Yes, I followed the guides and the videos. I also see a professional. The LPR damage is making it very difficult, though!

Thanks! Yes, I think I need to talk to the clinic. 50mg/day of spiro seems far too low for someone my size

Very jealous. I’m also my first week in on Spiro and E (and Finasteride, because boo hair loss) and I feel… Nothing? That said. I got to try out my first real outfit. Turns out I like skirts and shrugs. Even better when the skirt has pockets! I’m glad things are working for you, though. As with everyone on this journey, YMMV. Enjoy it!

I finally bought a set of my own polish (instead of using my spouse’s) and I have a light blue on the outer toes. They’re gorgeous! The little things do so much sometimes

I go for my first HRT consult tomorrow. This hit me right in the feels. Hopefully those start working again after I get new meds

Happy for you! Breaking out of the egg is harder than it feels it should be, but it is so worth doing.

Thank you!