It was enough to see that he had nothing worthwhile to listen to because it was all attacks with no support for his position on anything. The same story for American politicians. The same story for workplace politics. The same for everyday conversations. At least from my experiences.

It’s hard to take these people seriously because there’s only attacks. They hold no conversations, only debates fueled by attacks.

Even today as I hear others talk about him or glimpes headlines and skim articles, it’s been the same words coming his mouth. The only difference from a few years ago and now is that there is more American influence in his campaign slogans and buzz words.

Even the brief moments I watched from the debate has been nothing but the same words and attacks as the years before.

He’s a manipulator, he does not deserve the attention he demands. It’s personally hard for me to watch history repeat itself, over and over again. My safety will greatly affected by people like him in power.

That video was a warning sign of a manipulator. And his actions to this date have been consistent of a manipulator. So yes, that video did greatly influence my view on him.

The first time I saw and heard about this guy, it was from a YouTube video of him cosplaying a lunch date with Justin Trudeau. This was somewhere in 2020 or 2021 after the initial covid lockdowns.

This was a adult. Recording himself on a lunch date with person who wasn’t even there. I can draw some pretty crude assumptions from that action alone. But I won’t. He’s not worth the time or attention.

People like him are all words with no action. They are losers. Losers do not deserve the attention they demand from everyone else. Take away their speaker and microphone and let them die in obscurity.

My aunt died just over a week ago and processing all the family weirdness has been a trip.

Getting super uncomfortable with the religious views on… Well everything. Even when it came to doing good deeds, it somehow ended up sounding like righteous bragging. All centered around themselves and not about the person who recently died. This big display of how good and helpful they are seems to really take away from the genuinely good deeds they are doing.

Or maybe I’m doing something wrong. Some of the more memorable good deeds I’ve done usually come with a bit heartbreak. Realizing how fortunate I am does not make me want to brag. Those memories stick for a long time too.

I’m thinking of going to a lot less family functions in the future.

Also, I’m finally at the point with my website where I can go promote it locally, the library said they’d be happy to put my poster up on the community board.

I got a bit delayed because I found out the hard way my backups weren’t complete. Fortunely I found this out on my computer and not my server. I also had an external backup so nothing important was lost, except some time. Also reworked all my backup scripts and thoroughly tested them. I feel a lot more confident about them now.

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I’ve finally figured out how to install frogcomposband in a docker container. It’s a fork of a game called Angband that’s played in a terminal window. Angband itself has a long history. Somewhere around 30 years if I remember correctly.

It’s setting is closer to lord of the rings but it has the insane complexity of a pen and paper, dungeons and dragons type game. A huge amount of races and classes to play and even the option to play an impressive amount of different monsters or enemies.

I think what I’m enjoying about it is that the graphics are just coloured numbers, letters and symbols. The playable character is just the @ symbol. It leaves room for the imagination to fill in the blanks which feels very calming.

When I was going through my Baldur’s Gate phase, I noticed my brain was in complete overdrive after playing a session. I think processing the crazy details in that game was too much for my brain.

Now when I shut off the game I’m not overwhelmed and I still get my role playing game fix. It’s nice.

I had the opportunity to live in Berlin for a year. I made friends with a group of Yemen students. All of these people had friends, family or relatives bombed to death. Over the course of 2 weeks, one person lost 3 relatives to the bombings…

These people were sent to Germany to study and be as far away as possible from the horrors at home. Away from friends, family, everyone.

I was told that after flying to somewhere near Yemen, it would have taken another 16 hours to travel by road to get home. Their parents refused them coming to visit because it was just too dangerous.

I don’t know how they managed to hold their shit together and carry on even as their families were getting bombed back home.

It broke my heart and I felt powerless to even attempt to comfort them. I’m sure they felt a sense of powerlessness that’s beyond anything I could understand at that time.

My parents were away in Flordia visiting some family while they still could so I had the house to myself. It was wonderful. No tv noises, no news, no political talk, no constant misunderstanding/misinterpreting each other. It was peaceful. They got back last Saturday so it’s back to the same old routine.

I also had a vasectomy while they were gone so it was nice to have some quiet time while I recovered. The pain is practically gone now and soon I’ll forget it even happened. Happy to have gotten it done. Feels like a lifelong weight had been lifted off my back.

The birds are starting to return. I can hear the mourning doves in the morning now. I’m looking forward to the return of our pigeon family that like to nest in our balcony planters. They’ve been returning for years now and we think the children have also started nesting in our other planters. Thankfully they are super chill around us so they usually just watch us when we are out on the balcony.

I had a nice weekend which was needed. Met up with a friend to go to a techno party. One guy who came and danced with us for a while called us cute. I’m guessing he saw us having a good time enjoying the music and talking to people and it seemed like he enjoyed our vibes. It was a super nice compliment for both of us though.

After the party my friend and I went back to her friend’s apartment to chill until the morning when I could catch a train back home. We talked and shared music while she sketched away. It was so chill and a nice way to unwind.

When she dropped me off at the station, she gave me a hug that felt a little extra, like there was a little appreciation behind it. I think she was happy to have someone who was able talk and laugh about some small mistakes which she was able to learn from throughout the night.

I treat her like a person just as I would with anyone else. It makes me feel good to have that affect on people. It also makes me a little sad that this type of treatment towards other people seems to be rare… It really takes far less energy to be accepting than it does to wake up angry and bitter at innocent people.

Other than that, I’m really growing tired and frustrated with technology dependence we are being cornered into using. Technology is a constant source of frustration and yet it feels like the majority have normalized the use of technology and headaches it comes with. It feels absurd and it’s exhausting.

I’m trying hard to enjoy the moments and people that bring me happiness but there are times where my mind wanders towards the future. It gets so hard to breath in those moments…

For the moment I’m not saying much specific about it. There’s no real big reason, it’s just sort of how I like to do things. My parents always joked that I’d come back married one day and not even mention it.

I can try to message you when I’m satisfied with the progress of it. Otherwise I’ll be around these posts in the future. After learning this much about networking, I’ll feel pretty relieved. I’ll be ready for the bigger and more important steps that come next.

When I was young, my elders told me stories of planting trees. Not for myself but for future generations. Instead they took the land, the wealth, the knowledge and the bits of whatever scraps left behind that made them feel powerful.

Then they turned around and insulted me, belittled me and blamed me for not caring enough about their every wants and fragile emotions. Demanded I work harder while they stood there watching me to criticize my every move. Accused me of selfishness for not following all the awful and outdated advice they constantly forced upon me. Hated me for not following step by step in their traditions that caused so much division and suffering. Bullied me for attempting to express myself freely.

They never got around to planting their trees. They just flicked the cigarette butt and watched the other trees burn.

The elders that left me feeling inspired and comfortable with me being myself are so few and far between that it hurts. It’s hard for me to not feel betrayed by the majority of my elders.

I want to be inspired to do good from people who already do good things. Instead I feel like my empathy for others is being built up out of spite against my elders actions. Their words are so empty and meaningless to me.

I’ve also chosen to not let my future self become a burden on the younger people that follow me. I’ve already chosen my retirement plan. Extreme sports. Wing suit would be fun. I’d easily settle for trying to kick a cop in the nuts.

I’ve been unimpressed with the Christmas holidays since leaving my first job as a grocery store worker as a highschool student. My family has finally stopped buying me presents except for my mom who insists on buying me some sort of useless novelty item that’s functionally impractical. Last year it was a bulky multi-tool pen that was too heavy to write with… Capitalism really sucks the humanity out of everything, especially the holidays.

Not too excited about the family dinner together. My parents and sister will spend the day talking constantly at and over each other while I’ll be mostly mute, answering yes/no questions occasionally. I just don’t have the energy anymore to correct all thier wildly incorrect assumptions and unnecessary views they have about me based on the useless labels they’ve applied to me.

The brain has been highly uncooperative over the past weeks but over the last week I’ve made a lot of progress on a local community project I’m working on. I have most of the groundwork prepared. I’ve also got a good starting point and mostly clear direction for it as well.

I’m in the process of learning how to self host a lemmy instance. I’m hating every moment of it but I’m making progress. It’ll be worth it in the end. After I set up a proper community page I’ll be ready to start promoting the idea locally.

I’m still considering creating a related community on another instance. I’m trying to craft this project in a way that is easily accessible and adaptable to the needs of any local community.

At the speed I’m going, and with all the holidays here, I’m hoping to be ready within the first couple weeks of January.

Life keeps happening and it feels so fast.

Went to another queer party, this time it was at an arcade with board games. A friend I made at an earlier queer party showed up with another friend and I got to hang out with them. She had two of my favourite things and since I have an all or nothing style of impulse control, I had a hard time saying no to mdma and mushrooms. I definitely had a great time.

For a brief moment when I was talking to someone else, I was made aware of the fact that I’m a not so queer person in a queer space. After a few questions from her, she came to understand how and why I ended up in such a space. She was understanding and accepting which was nice and she opened up a bit about herself too after finding out I was just there to meet new people and make friends.

That night I also got to share a local project idea I’m working on and I was quite surprised with the reactions. My friend asked me one question to confirm what my idea as a whole was before offering to help in any way she can. The other person I was talking to just said “do it” after reading only a part of my idea, it appears she’s doing similar work to what I want to do. I’m not used to people being so quick to support an idea of mine without negative perspectives, doubts or fears from their personal insecurities that aren’t related to my idea. It was a bit scary but it felt really nice too. I’m meeting up with my friend again this week to talk about it again and she seems very eager to know more which is quite exciting :)

With all the experiences I’ve had since 2020, it feels like the few people I can make honest friendships with are queer women, autistic women or queer autistic women. I’m trying not to question it too much because it makes very little sense to me but I’m rolling with it anyways. They are some of the few people who seem to simply accept me as who I am without question and I absolutely appreciate that. I enjoy being able to be myself without the unnecessary judgement from the labels that most people seem to apply to me before they ever get to know me.

Life is strange. Wish it would slow down just a bit but that’s not what the future has planned.

I’ve personally never really bothered with respect after learning how authority figures and elders use respect as a tool to maintain what little authority, position or perceived power they have over others, such as myself.

Instead of giving them respect that they demand, I treat them with dignity. They aren’t special because I treat everyone I meet with dignity. This gives people a chance to earn my respect through their actions and treatment to both themselves and other people.

I do not feel comfortable allowing respect to be abused in a way that makes me feel submissive to anyone else. Also from my perspective, those who demand respect, do not deserve any respect because they fail to treat anyone else with dignity.

I got a flu shot last week and have been feeling sick since the day after the shot. It feels strange, all the annoyances of being sick without feeling like I’m oozing contagiousness out of every pore.

I’m more annoyed I am unwell enough to go on some hikes. The leaves from all the trees are falling real quick now and I wanted to enjoy the last bits of fall colours. I also want to gather some forest leaves to use as leaf little in my terrariums at home. Leaves far from pesticides. The things I try to do for my little gecko.

Speaking of her, it’s been just over a week now since she’s begun eating again and she’s hungry. I have her outside play area fenced off in my room but I have no idea if she comes out at night during this time of year or just chills in her hiding cave. During the spring and summer time she just wants to explore my whole room and hide under the couch but right now it seems she turned into a hungry little gremlin that just comes out for food. I’ve also noticed with her that she seems more comfortable with me year after year. Even if just a little bit. She still hates hands though so it’s still a struggle attempting to handle her. At least she has a cute little face.

The last couple months for me have been such a huge range of emotions. I’m glad I began seeing a new therapist at a practice which works with lgbt+ people and alternative lifestyles. It’s made such a huge difference and it feels like my therapist is working with me instead of giving me “one size fits all” responses or coping strategies.

I’m also really happy that my therapist suggested I check out some event promoters for meeting people. Ended up going to an Enter Shikari concert last night and met up with with one of those people I met at a mingling event. She came with one of her friends and they were both super nice and so much fun. One of them was off in the mosh pit half the time and trying to crowd surf, the other was this tiny little girl at the edge of the mosh pit pushing people back in. It was amazing. I woke up the day before with a super stiff neck so I stuck to the edge of the mosh pit with the other. Fortunately the muscle relaxants and weed pills I took earlier helped with the pain so I was able to enjoy the night and energy.

Love that band, amazing show and I had such a good time. The person that met at the mingling party is also into techno, including the hard stuff. She also told me to let her know when I’m back in Toronto when we parted so I’m going to let her know what techno parties I’m headed to in the future.

Her friend also gave me a bunch of metal bands to listen to which I’m excited to check out. I cancelled my Spotify account a while ago so I’ve been re-exploring my current library for the past while. It’ll be nice to add something new. Plus I prefer this form of music exploration compared to all the algorithms and “AI” playlists. It’s far less overwhelming and lets me appreciate albums as a whole again.

I’m in such a good mood right now. Could be better but I’m paying the price for being in the mess of a rock show. Should have been resting my neck at home with a heat pad but last night was worth all the pain.

I went to a party a couple days ago. It’s meant for queer people to meet new people. Had a surprisingly good night and met a few people.

I really wish I knew how hitting on people works because I’m so painfully oblivious to it all. People seem to have a tendency to start kissing and I have no idea what I’m doing. I was just being nice?? Anyway, that night a guy I was talking to started kissing my neck and I had to politely tell him I was just there to meet new people. Fortunately he took it super well. I have plans to invite him to one of the techno parties I go to regularly which should be fun.

Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be talking to a group of people and someone just happened to mention a band that’s playing in Toronto next week. Turns out her and I are seeing the same band play so I think we are gonna go together? We’ve been slowly texting each other so we’ll see but should be fun either way. I’m still pretty excited.

I look forward to hiking the next couple weeks, the leaves are all changing colours, lots of reds, yellow and orange. I absolutely love fall colours.

The second worst part of a new tattoo is the itch. So itchy…

I got a new tattoo yesterday of a couple of mourning doves. The artist working on me was working around some ticklish areas. I kept jumping at all the light touches when she was wiping away excess ink from the area so I asked her to use a bit more pressure when she was working there. She laughed and said no one has ever asked her to be more rough but I was twitching a whole lot less after I asked. Other than that, it was nice to have a quiet mind for a few hours. Getting a tattoo is the closest thing to meditation I’ll ever get.

Also, I’m going to a party this weekend and am both excited and anxious. I think it might be a techno party but the organizers of the party host events for queer people to meet each other. It’s going to be loud which is awful for me when trying to talk to others. I usually go dance by myself because I’m there for the music but this time I’ll have to try and meet some people. I’m hoping since the event is for meeting new people that things will work itself out. We’ll see how the night goes.

It brings me some comfort seeing how clear and easy to understand language is being used against these angry people.

They are being forced to explain their behaviour instead of arguing the specifics of words. It’s subtle but effective in my opion.

I am really enjoying this.

I just assume it’s code for “sword fighting.”

I’ve had the opportunity to live in Australia and had a chance to learn of the indigenous people there. Their stories and history. I made an effort to learn a bit more about how life was like before colonialists. Or at least what we were able to learn about life before colonialism as a lot of that information is filtered through colonialist eyes.

When I returned home to Canada, I was able to unpack all that I learned from the treatment of Australian indigenous people and apply that perspective to the Canadian Indigenous people. Honouring the land doesn’t simply mean how we treat our food or living sustainably. It includes the nature bound history and stories that communities have created and shared as it moved forward in history. A story of a volcano that was so destructive could live on for many human generations to come as it becomes a crucial story of the peoples that lived in that area. Breaking away from modern perspectives on human histories is difficult because there’s so much nuance that never gets recorded.

I don’t know how fair it is to compare pre-colonialist indigenous people’s behaviour to post colonialism. There are a lot of factors and skewed perspectives that need to be understood before I could talk more on that. From what I have learned, I also don’t think it’s fair to judge indigenous people’s behaviours to new technologies that was introduced after the arrival of Europeans. I feel it’s somewhere on the level of blaming children for the problems of today when it’s always been the adults who exploited and crafted everything there is today. I don’t believe the indigenous people’s ignorance to their own genocide should be their blame. This is just my perspective on things and I still have lots to learn regarding indigenous people and their history. I can always be wrong.

I also feel you quoted me unfairly. Later in that same paragraph I try to express that pre-colonialist life would not be easy, that it would be short and harsher and full of it’s own unique challenges. I’d prefer a short and intense life with daily struggles compared to a long, drawn out existence maintaining complex machines and worrying about the future. But that’s just me.