SterlingPooper [none/use name]

I often wonder how more neurotypical people view friendship and conceive of it. I’m very in-the-weeds about reciprocity, commonality, being intentional, and really there’s just a lot of logistics and stuff that I feel has to be managed.

I’d love a friendship where we just agree to keep in touch and be present for each other and that’s the point, but I don’t think that it is the point for a lot of people.

If I thought I could take things less seriously without the friendships falling through, I would. But the slowly widening gaps between texts, the shorter responses, I see the patterns from a mile away. It breaks my heart regardless.

I just imagine it’s easier for most people. Walk in, talk to a group of strangers, maybe a lingering thought about a smell, or something, but way fewer nerves involved.

I just want to find someone that’s on my wavelength. I don’t understand the utility of joining a space with the goal of “making friends” , but then like, saying you want friends or trying really hard to be someone’s friend is then somehow a turnoff.

Like, people here gave me a hard time once for saying that. I’m sorry for needing labels and like, clearer terms under which to communicate. There are issues in my life that I’d rather talk about with someone with whom I’ve built that trust. I keep trying and can’t get to the point of opening up. That’s why I’m complaining anonymously on the internet.

But then you have people here who reply and are like “we’re all strangers, it’s the internet man, well besides this group chat and this inside joke and this meme thread.”

It’s deeply inconsistent. Don’t pretend there are rules and then only apply them to someone too scared to argue.

An alternative thought to this is that most people probably aren’t like “why are they alone WHY ARE THEY ALONE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM”

However I then discover that I get jealous almost instantly when I see two people walking around. It always blows my mind too, I’m like, "people go to things with each other, how do they do that? would someone ever go to things with me?

literally it can be two people with no obvious relationship and I’m over here like “Wow, the human condition. When’s it my turn, huh?” this does not strike me as a situation I can create for myself.

This is a year-round feeling, but I feel it strongly right now. I don’t really go on the trans comm here anymore, so idk how common these feelings are there. I can’t keep contorting myself to fit in. I can’t keep explaining myself. I can’t keep crashing out in the megathread hoping that someone will want to “be my friend” (which neurotypicals do not want to hear btw)

Who am I kidding nobody remembers my old account much less what a shit I was lmao