Be cool
You don’t want to live on the compound
Always take the Interior Minister position
Never give up your nukes
You can pronounce a name in any way you want
Don’t delete the dick pic
If someone with a gun enters your car, they’re gonna kill you
If someone tells you they’re not going to kill you, they’re calming you down to kill you later
Never release political prisoners to placate the protesters
Never let the opposition delay elections
If you’re going to join a cult, leave the kids at home
Create your own private police force
Always pay your mercenaries
If someone starts to get into German runes, drop them
Always get it in writing
Never put it in writing
You never have to answer the question you’re asked
Never trust a South American with a German name
Never move anywhere for a religion
Always disavow
You want your situation to be precedented
Elections should only be done by paper ballots hand counted in public
Never get in a helicopter (or small plane)
If you get fired, just continue to show up
Always check the medicine cabinets
When someone asks you a question that you don’t want to answer, you can just say “it’s for legal reasons,” or “I signed an NDA”
NDAs are fake
The coalition always fractures
If you’re funny, you can say anything
If someone’s trying to get you to commit a crime, they’re FBI
Never become an FBI informant
If you do become an FBI informant, record everything
Never record any kind of meeting, unless it’s with the police
Never talk to cops without a lawyer
If someone always has a new hat, they’ve got something to hide
Always keep your dollars in money
The world is run on groupchats
You should not be in a groupchat
Never say anything on the in-office communique
If you’re pushing through a land reform program on behalf of the peasantry, do it really quickly and without telling anyone first
Never trust a Cuban exile in the greater DFW metropolitan area
If you keep gambling you’ll eventually win
Don’t fuck your roommate
Keep your hand on the gun the whole time
Don’t associate yourself with acts of terror
Don’t ever implicate yourself in any kind of child abuse and/or cannibalism case
Don’t let anyone take your passport
Always shoot first
Read the room
Never let a woman see you play video games
Do not invite the journalist to the party
Don’t talk to journalists, ever
Don’t ever host a party
If you’re taken hostage, decide whether it’ll be more lucrative to join the kidnappers or to continue as a hostage and sell your story rights later
If Congress calls you to testify, you don’t have to go
Always secure the water rights
Know who your guys are and always take care of them
If, in a contentious interim mayoral race, a surprise “caretaker” candidate promises not to run again, don’t believe them
Once a year go through your underwear & throw out what you don’t like
Learn the art of distraction
Don’t talk about the coup in public
Don’t smoke marijuana out of a pen, smoke it out of a pipe or a bong
Get a better lawyer (preferably a former prosecutor)
Always pay your taxes
Never deal with an explosives expert
If you ever hear the word safe haven, someone’s trying to bullshit you
If a photographer gives you a funny prop, don’t use it in a photo shoot
When you pick up a hitchhiker, point a gun at them the whole time
First thing you do when you have a coup, get on the radio
If you sentence a guy to death, shoot him the next day
Never overexplain when yes or no suffices
If you are involved in any kind of arrangement with multiple Maurizios, it’s gonna turn out badly for you
Never go into the sewers unless you’re a sewer guy
Always throw the fight and take the money
Get a small circle of advisors
Before protesting, pause and ask if you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired
If you are a renowned author, you need a bunker
If you have weapons of mass destruction, never decommission
As a journalist, the best question to ask is, “why does chaos reign now?”
If you’re no longer allowed to use the bank, don’t use someone else’s account, unbank yourself
Anytime the FBI foils anything, it’s fake
If your money’s in something with 3 initials (i.e. FBI pension fund), take it out
Everybody snitches
If you get busted, serve your time, don’t bring all your friends into it
Never go to a second location
Always balance your ratio of officers to enlisted
Don’t use the presidential credit card to pay off gangs or make suspicious payments to places that might not otherwise receive it
Nothing is a gain until it’s realized
Don’t let your gains be reversed
Never invest in anything that has a name that has to do with the moon
When bad news comes out, the first line of defense is that it’s fake. Second, you were hacked. Third, it’s all farce. Fourth, notes app apology.
Don’t go to the sperm bank if it’s in the guy’s basement
Don’t be the guy who has the uranium
Always make your letter non-binding
Everything you say to a journalist is on the record
Everyone in the crypto space is always lying
Don’t leak your balance sheet
Never lock yourself in something
Don’t be a creep
Always stay on message for yourself
Here I made 5 smaller ones with the windows screenshot tool.