Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it’s always a horrible time to do so.
A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she’d clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn’t, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn’t start with “hey, you keep saying you’ll clean but you don’t”.
A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn’t get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said “isn’t that bette” and she said “well, I don’t feel really any different but I’ll do this for you”.
A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
At this point I’m feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn’t want to be blind sided. I’m unsure how to show her I’m unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.
She’s the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn’t understand people who can’t just tell people when they’re unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.
If you want to leave her, I think that’s what you should do. Her actions as a result of your boundaries are not your responsibility. She has her needs, and you have yours. You are not her therapist. You can still say this in a respectful manner, doing your part. How she reacts is her part.
My “ex”, that is someone I told from the start I’m not sure about this, which she said she was okay with, but then started calling it a relationship, also used self-harm and a bunch of manipulative stuff. She also had heavy BPD, which helped me understand some of her actions better. I don’t blame her for the manipulation and everything, but I simply have my boundaries too. So when I broke things off as respectfully and considerately as possible, she went on a self-destructive binge for a couple of weeks. We became friends for a while afterwards. And she told me how much the “break-up” had hurt her, and asked me if I’d feel guilty had she killed herself. I would feel absolutely terrible. But I’d know it wouldn’t have been my fault. Which she agreed with. I mean, for me at least, what’s the alternative? Both of us living a vapid relationship that has no roots, out of fear?