Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it’s always a horrible time to do so.
A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she’d clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn’t, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn’t start with “hey, you keep saying you’ll clean but you don’t”.
A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn’t get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said “isn’t that bette” and she said “well, I don’t feel really any different but I’ll do this for you”.
A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said “at least I didn’t bash my head into the wall” as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.
At this point I’m feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I’m terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn’t want to be blind sided. I’m unsure how to show her I’m unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.
She’s the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn’t understand people who can’t just tell people when they’re unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.
She needs therapy to work on her emotional intelligence. That can’t be you acting as therapist, it needs to be professional.
What you need to do is set ground rules. You’re in charge of your own life, no one else is. If you think her throwing a chair is dangerous to you, then you need to go seek safety.
You are not in charge of her. You are not in charge of her emotions. You are only in charge of you and your own actions, and how you react to external stimuli. You have to take care of yourself. It sounds selfish, it does, but often times we are perceiving our own distorted reality; and our responses, while they may help alleviate our pain in the short term, are not actually resolving anything.
That’s what 1.5 years of therapy has taught me. I’m on the other side of a 10 year long toxic relationship and finally feeling like I actually have some sense of self and now know what I want in life. I wish you the same, without the emotional baggage.