Lots of backstory, so I’ll try to create a timeline.

I met my gf 2 years ago when it was her first week in America- she’s Irish. She was really into me, but I didn’t feel the same. We dated for a week but I called it off pretty quick.

Fast forward, we reconnected when she began working for a daycare that I would come to to play music for the kids. We became friends again, and really hit it off platonically.

In October, I began a relationship with a sadist who was a real mindfuck- she tried to separate me from my friends and family, she told me I was dumb and ugly, had me pay for everything, and afterwards tried to start a rumor that I was a pedophile. I had to get a restraining order.

In January I broke up with her and decided I would be single for a bit.

But it wasn’t even a month before I started dating another friend from my group as I came back into my life. She was the kindest person I’ve ever met, and frankly the only reason we ended things was that I eventually wanted marriage and kids and she did not.

In this time, my current gf and I decided we would be roommates, as good buddies. I honestly thought it would just be a roommate situation, and we began climbing and having fun together.

The week I broke up with my kindest girlfriend, I was absolutely devastated. At the same time, my current gf had broken up with her bf. In that week we were both trying to grapple with our new pain. We went to an art show where we did a bunch of shrooms, and at the end of the night we hooked up. Later that week at our housewarming party, my ex showed up (we actually were trying to be friends). She started getting touchy with me, but when I told her about what happened with me and my roommate, she stormed out and sent me the angriest text I’ve ever had. I fully agreed with her, and essentially I lost the best friend I ever dated. I’m still absolutely devastated from that.

With my current gf, we decided to continue to hook up “for the plot”, but when I decided I wanted out, there was a fight and she threw a chair. I was so afraid that I chose to try and appease her by becoming closer. We became official, and moved forward in the relationship. She even came home to meet my parents, though that week she had an episode of CHS (if she smokes weed she can become violently sick) and ended up in the hospital for almost the entire time.

The thing is, I’m not really super attracted to her. If anything I was settling. But I was so afraid of her big temperament that I continued to be in the relationship.

The other night I was drunk and high, and we had been watching YouTube. She wanted to make out and I wasn’t in the mood. After a while she got up and stormed off. I was surprised, but honestly should have known it wasn’t going to be good. She asked me if I was attracted to her, and I decided to give a reason for my not being in the mood by saying she had gained weight.

Honestly she’s not all that heavy, but I just felt I needed to say something. High and drunk it was a stupid thing to say.

After that it all unraveled. She came into my room demanding more of an explanation and I exploded saying how I’d been cleaning and cooking and taking care of everything and wanted her to be my teammate in the house. It wasn’t happening and that week she was already stressed because her clown troupe broke up.

Now I’m trying to backpedal because there are many things I do like about her, and I love the apartment we’ve made. I know these are horrible reasons to be in a relationship, but right now my head is in “wtf is wrong with me that makes me do these things”.

I lied to her about the whole relationship. I am just trying to damage control especially since I’m not in a financial position to move out. I don’t like that this shallow side of me turned up. I don’t like that I had a streak of relationships without room to breathe. I became a serial monogamist this year and none of this feels like me.