Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

-Emo Philips

“My brother says “hello!”… So… Hooraaaaay for speech therapy!”

I can’t understand the word “I’ve tried other (…)” what?

Unfortunately I can’t convince this to load, but Emo rules.

My psychiatrist gave me a chocolate Easter bunny and I ate the bunny, but then I thought, "hey, this isn't Easter". "Is this a test?"

And he said, "Yes."

"And what does it mean?"

He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent Oedipal complex."

"Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'STOP STARING AT ME!!!?'"

He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self-destruction."

I said, "Well, what do you recommend?"

He said, "Go for it!"

Being able to catch Emo live about ten years ago was such a treat. Such an underrated comedian. I really love the idiot-savant character that is Emo.

who is the guy? I’ve seen him before on Weird Al’s UHF.

I loved him in Home Movies as the bully.