I tried many ways, my most successful was asparagus with a drizzle of olive oil, salt and pepper and a light dusting of Parmesan cheese. Put it in the broiler until the cheese gets a tan. Finish with a tiny sprinkle of really fancy balsamic vinegar.

While it was an improvement, the texture was still not something I ever found acceptable.

Also, if you’re using asparagus for smelly dick jokes, I am willing to withdraw my judgement.