Warning: This was a rant and I have NOT proof-read it, so please ignore any poor writing, lol.
I (19M) and my girlfriend (18F) have been doing long-distance for about a year. We met in-person in school, but she had a very rough home life and had to move almost 500 miles away to live with her aunt and get away from her abusive mother while she finishes her last year of school. Since she’s still in school, neither one of us have been able to make the drive/flight to see one another, and the soonest we will be able to is July. I have generally been taking the distance fairly well — I’m content with our video calls and texting — but she’s been having a really rough time and has been for several months. On top of being separated from me, she’s away from her immediate family and all of her longtime friends, in a completely new environment where she has to adjust to customs and meet new people, and generally struggles with some minor mental health issues. With all of these things piled up, she has become incredibly depressed and is growing more and more jealous in the relationship. We’ve had many a long talk about all of these topics, but the problems seem to persist. She can often be short-tempered, dry over text and call, jealous of my female friends (of which I have many), and generally a bit petty. Now, I can’t blame those on her — they’re products of the absolutely shit situation she’s been forced into — but I’m still beginning to resent her for them, and I feel awful. I’ve found myself avoiding her when she wants to talk, and I sometimes struggle to to keep conversations going because I feel like I’m doing most of the work. And again, I’ve been upfront, so she’s aware of these issues and says she’s trying to fix them — which I truly believe — but it’s beginning to be too much.
In addition to those push factors, there’s one pull factor. This has kept me up at night because I feel so awful about it. My love language is physical touch, and no, I don’t mean sex. I feel and express love largely through hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and even just sitting shoulder to shoulder. Hell, I feel great receiving a high five from people! The issue, of course, is that physical touch is kind of hard from 500 miles away, so I’m starting to feel lonely despite being completely fulfilled in every other aspect of the relationship. The part that makes my stomach do back flips is that I’ve noticed myself starting to seek that physicality with my female friends. I have never and will never even think about physically cheating, but I have on a few occasions sat a bit too close to people, been too touchy while laughing, let a hug go on for a bit too long, or something like that. Additionally, my best friend in the whole world is female, and I know she has feelings for me. Part of me has thought about ending things with my current girlfriend and pursuing those physical desires with this friend because, well, we’re already super duper close and I know she wants it, too. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I love my girlfriend so much and I can’t imagine doing relationship-y stuff with anyone else despite how bad I might want it — it juts feels gross. I know that sounds backwards — I want it but it’s gross — but idk; it’s just how I feel. I feel I may begin or have already begun an emotional affair and I’m absolutely disgusted at myself.
I don’t want to leave because I do truly love this woman, and she was everything I needed and more before she moved, but her bad situation has made me resent her. I would just wait it out until she graduates and we can be close again and all will be good again, but she plans on starting college in-state where she is, and I’m being shipped off in August to serve 4 years in the military, so I just don’t think I can wait that long with how much has built up in just one year. Additionally, because she’s struggling with her mental health, I fear my leaving won’t be good for her physical safety because she’s mentioned desires to harm herself already (though, she hasn’t actually done it). I helped her out a lot with her issues with her abusive mom (I was actually the one that got her out and moved her away in the first place), so I know I mean a whole whole lot to her. She says I’m the only one close to her that’s treated her with care respect. I do truly believe things will go back to normal if we can close the distance, and I do truly want a future with her, but I just don’t think I’ll be able to wait the time required for that.
What on earth do I do?
Imo your resentment is like a natural disaster, unavoidable and nobody’s fault. Just like a natural disaster you don’t have the privilege of choosing the consequences. Resentment is bad for you, bad for her, and not conducive to a long term relationship.
Breaking up is hard, especially when you’re young and don’t have a solid perspective on life after childhood.
Your military service is the death knell for your relationship regardless of your resentment unfortunately. Without a solid loving long term outlook with good long distance fundamentals your relationship will ultimately atrophy and fail.
I’ve been in long relationships that should have ended sooner, and regretted those relationships far more than the relationships that terminated painfully. Breaking up is hard, but staying together without the right feelings is worse.
You’re 19 my dude, fuck around and have fun. I mean, put some effort into being ethical of course, but take it from a 40 something, my long list of memories and experiences far, far outweigh any regret of relationships I let pass me by.
I get that you care about this person, but everyone is responsible for their own shit in this life. You aren’t responsible for keeping someone happy that clearly isn’t happy. Live your life and love whoever the hell you please.
Trust me, I’ve tried the whole “fucking around and having fun” thing. It’s definitely not for me; I much prefer a long-term partner over a situationship that lasts for a week or two.
You misunderstand me. I’m not saying be promiscuous. I met my wife in my mid 30s. I’ve had a slew of 1 or 2 or 3 year relationships that all felt like the one at some point. I’m not saying you have to walk that path exactly, im just saying don’t stake you whole life on the long distance relationship you’re in at 19.
(Great writing for a rant that you didn’t proof-read. I especially like the LaTeX-like emdashes.)
No-one should tell you what to do. You need to decide yourself what you want, and then stick to it. I have no idea how you’ll do four years long distance when you’re already having trouble after one. But if you decide she’s The One for you and she feels the same about you, then stay the course and maybe attempt to make your relationship more permanent (marriage) which might solve some of the problems (or make them worse if you’re not both committed to it). If she’s not The One then better to split earlier than later, IMO — you’re not married so go your separate ways. It’s great that you care about her and are worried about how she will fare without you, but if you’re not both committed to the relationship then you can’t make it work and she will have to fend for herself.
(Great writing for a rant that you didn’t proof-read. I especially like the LaTeX-like emdashes.)
Thanks, lol. I use them a lot
But if you decide she’s The One for you and she feels the same about you, then stay the course and maybe attempt to make your relationship more permanent (marriage) which might solve some of the problems (or make them worse if you’re not both committed to it)
I was thinking I would tough it out until we see one another in July — that’s just two and a half months away from now. If we still hit it off together in person after so long apart, I might stay, but if it’s awkward and/or we’re still having problems, I might leave. I just need to remain disciplined and moral with my friends — especially the one I know is interested in me — until then.
Edit: We’ve talked about getting married for the sole purpose of being able to live together while I serve. In my mind, if that doesn’t work out, a divorce isn’t the worst thing in the world, especially since we obviously won’t have kids or joint ownership of any assets.
I expect I’m coming from a different moral framework than yours, and I don’t expect to be able to change your mind, but do allow me to suggest that while a divorce might not be the worst thing in the world, it’s also not a good thing. So far as it’s up to you, be a man (person?) of your word if you promise to love until death do you part, or don’t promise in the first place.
I wish you all the best.
Ah, I should’ve clarified:
We’re both aware of the issues we’ve been having and both agree that closing the distance could very well fix them. So, we said we could marry only legally (as in go to a courthouse and do it that way) purely as a measure to do so while I serve. If we find out everything’s fine in that time, we can have an actual ceremony with family and vows and all that good stuff. If not, we get it annulled like it never happened
Marriage doesn’t fix relationships.
Agreed, but the legal process will allow us to close the distance while I serve in the military instead of having to wait 4 years.
